So, anyone who knows me, knows
that I have REALLY been struggling through this whole pandemic. I have
been depressed way beyond any level I have ever been. I have gotten put
on depression medications and while it has eased it some, I just feel empty.
I have laid in my many, many nights wondering how everyone else seems to be
coping so much better than I have. I have been home for 5 months
now. 5 whole months. I have never spent this much time at
home. And yet, I haven't crafted, haven't danced, haven't done any of the
things I usually enjoy. I have had both daughters home with me, while my
husband has been going to work outside of the house during this whole thing.
Yesterday, I had to move my older daughter back to college.
It was kind of an eye-opening experience. let me explain. When
Kayla moved back to college last fall, we honestly didn't expect her to ever
live under our roof again. She was planning to be an RA over this spring
and summer and stay on campus rather than come home. So, in March, when
she was forced to move back home because of the virus, we were all
surprised. We have had 5 months of seeing her on a daily basis that we
never would have had. I have had 5 months of seeing both of my girls,
getting 2 good morning hugs every day. This drop off was different.
Both Kayla and I said it felt very surreal. Maybe that's because we
aren't sure how long they will last on campus. However, nobody cried this
drop off which is really rare. When Kinley and I came back to the house,
the quietness started to sit in. I wouldn't have Kayla walking out of her
room asking, "how is work going mama bear?". I wouldn't have
anyone to chat with. I wouldn't have anyone to distract Kinley while I am
on a work call. That's when it all started to set in. I will never
have as much time with my girls as I have had for the last 5 months. I am
very sad that I spent it being so sad and not appreciating every moment I
had. Now, I know depression doesn't work that way and I couldn't change how
I felt.
It got me thinking about the reasons why I was so upset.
Everyone who knows my family, knows that we are go, go, go types of
people. We are always out doing something. This virus brought all
of that to an abrupt halt. I am very much a creature of habit so that
alone was enough to take me out of my comfort zone. But I also realized
that one of the reasons I liked to go, go, go was that I never had time to
focus on the past, or things that made me sad. I just ignored all of
that. Being home all day, every day didn't allow me to ignore that stuff
anymore. I have been on a true mission of dealing with just crap that I
have ignored for my whole life. It has been hard. Really
hard. However, I am finally starting to feel grateful for this time
(although I think I will still always wish it did not happen). I am
grateful that I have had to sift through my feelings and finally think about me
and what makes me happy and what I want out of life and who I want in my
life. I am grateful to have seen my daughters' beautiful faces every
day. I am grateful to have had a husband that has held me while I have
cried oh so many times. While, I still hope and pray that every day I
wake up, it will be "normal", I am finally grateful.
