Feeling Lost and Hopeless

It's been a while since I decided to write.  I have not been able to put anything into words that seems to fit.  But today was a breaking point for me.  I cried for hours, and to the point that my husband thought he should leave work to come home and be with me.  So what got me here?

There are just so many unknowns in the world right now.  I am such a planner that this is so dang hard for me to wrap my head around.  You can't plan literally anything right now.  My 6 year old will ask me when the parks will open?  I don't know.  Will the swimming pool open this year?  I don't know.  When can I go back to karate?  I don't know.  When can I go back to school?  I don't know.  I hope you are seeing the pattern here.  

Then there are the worries.  Right now, both myself and my husband are still working and I am very thankful for that.  He goes to work everyday, while I work from home.  I however work in the healthcare industry and everyday that this pandemic continues, puts a strain on the companies finances.  I am always worrying about if/when I may lose my job.  Then there's always the worries that the media is portraying.  Will we run out of food?  Will there be a meat shortage soon?  Both my husband and daughter are on immune suppressant medicines which puts them in a high risk category.  But beyond that, my daughter is supposed to have her annual CT scan this month to see if she is still cancer free.  That will not happen.  It will be postponed for months.  So if her sarcoma, which is an aggressive form of cancer, returns we will not know for months.  Big worry.

What's next? Ahh yes, the hatred in the world right now.  Everybody seems to have lost any concept of understanding and compassion that they may have once had.  People have lost the ability to see that it is ok to have differing opinions.  What is best for one person, is not what is best for someone else.  And if you disagree, you are called selfish and wished upon to catch the virus.  I myself was told I was selfish this week for mourning my old way of life by someone I considered a good friend.  Wow.  I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to feel sadness anymore.

The absolute hardest part for me is the constant feeling of being a failure.  Last week, I worked 50 hours from home  along with homeschooling my 6 year old, and trying to keep up with the house, her karate classes, our 2 dogs, ordering our groceries online only to pick up the order and be missing 1 item needed for 4 different meals.  I see others on social media posting about how great this family time is and how much they are loving it, and I have to admit...I DO NOT.  This is the hardest thing I have ever attempted in my whole life.  But if you dare share those feelings with anyone, you are put down.  How selfish of me to be tired.  I should be thankful I still have a job.  How selfish of me to have a hard time homeschooling my daughter.  I should be thankful for this time I get to spend with her.  Well guess what folks??  I do enjoy the time with her and I am thankful for my job.  That does NOT make it any easier.  Also, I cannot just change my feelings.  I cannot just make myself happy.  Don't people understand if it were that easy, everyone would do it?

Today was the day I finally had the thought that maybe my family would be better off without me.  Do you have any idea what that feels like?  I cry all the time.  Not because I want to.  Because I can't help it.  I feel so very hopeless.  Instead of hiding with these feelings, I shared them with my husband.  And now I am sharing them here.  I know I am not alone in feeling this way right now.  And if you are feeling this way, you are not alone either.  We can continue to fight together.  I will not give up.  I may believe that my daughters deserve better than me...however I do not want to hurt them.  And I know me being gone would hurt them.  I will continue to get up everyday and fight the good fight.  I will continue to teach my daughter karate.  I will continue to do the best I can at my job while working remotely.  I will continue to be open with my husband about my feelings.  

What I hope to convey with this is that you really have no idea where someone is in their life.  If you have nothing but hateful things to say, walk away.  Your words may be the one thing that pushes someone over the edge.  This is a very hard time for everybody.  Show love and compassion.  Just be kind friends.  We are all that we have here on this Earth.